The Dilemma

How often do you find yourself in a situation where you know you should do something but you never do? I’m not talking about Sarah Cynthia Silvia Stout taking the garbage out. I’m talking about something deeper. Like you know you should read something spiritually filling or call someone, but instead you end up watching television or listening to music. Let me dish up a personal example.
Recently I have been digging into wounds of my past. As I have engaged, disengaged, and reengaged I have been hearing the gentle yell of God suggesting that I begin to write out my story. To engage in a way that will cause me to fully return to the sights and smells as well as the feelings of each moment and wound of my life. This urge began about 5 months ago, and my story is now one page. It goes something like this. “My Story by Jason Feffer.”
About a month ago I read an amazing book about understanding our stories, To Be Told by Dan Allender (highly recommended). In it Allender recommends - you guessed it - that we write our story. Ahem, God? You had me at, “WRITE YOUR STORY.”
Did I start writing my story at this point? I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count. Right, I still haven’t started. So the question is why. Is it because I broke all my fingers and can’t type or write? Nope. Am I waiting for God to skywrite me a message? Maybe, but probably not. That would be embarrassing having to explain to everyone why God had to skywrite to get my attention, (but I guess that worked for the Israelites). Or is it because I am lazy? “Bingo!” an outside observer might tell you. I have the time to write, but I always end up spending it watching “Show me the Money” (It’s Shat-tastic!) and reruns of the “The Office.”
Well here’s the deal (and of course I’m wicked convicted while writing this) it’s not a laziness issue. It’s not that simple. In this situation/choice I face a dilemma. On one hand I can begin writing. But this isn’t really about writing; it’s about entering into my story, seeing how God has worked, allowing him to work in the memories and messages of my story, and ultimately bring me to a place where I am closer to being who He created me to be and therefore closer to Him.
So on one hand I have living a life that is closer to God and who He created me to be. On the other hand I have comfort (sounds a lot like laziness here I know, but bear with me). On this side I can continue to live the life I know. I can keep living this life where so many of my actions and reactions are rotted (an interesting typo. I meant to write “rooted” instead I wrote the perhaps more appropriate “rotted”) rooted in old, deep wounds. Honestly this life is full of fear, pain, and self-loathing. Sounds like the life anyone would choose right?
Faced with these two options you and I would choose the former any day of the week and twice on Sunday. So why have I not started writing? Why am I standing in between these choices with each pulling on opposite arms threatening to yank me apart like a wishbone?
I believe that deep in very dilemma such as this there is something at risk. The difference between the two choices is so great that there must be something that I get out of staying in the worse option.
So what would I be risking to move into option A? In this particular situation I am afraid that God is not big enough to handle my pain, anger, sadness, and woundedness. What if I invite God into my story and he says, “Whoa, I didn’t need to know that!” What if I enter into my woundedness and find that God can’t work there, that God can’t heal me? I would rather stuff those feelings and never even acknowledge my brokenness than discover that these wounds are hopeless to heal. And this is the dilemma. Now that I have revealed a lot more of my journey than you were asking for I’ll bring this back to you. I know you were hoping I’d keep you out of this. At the start of this I wrote, “How often do you find yourself in a situation where you know you should do something but you never do?” I’m guessing many of you read this and thought of something in your life that fits the description. What’s your dilemma? What are the two sides pulling you? What keeps you mired in the lesser choice? What’s the risk and are you willing to take the leap? Do you have the courage?